new site

hello dearest friends.

i have a new website!
thanks to the one and only aaron garcia,
my blog is now available at monicahopkins.com

i think you might need to resubscribe.
[all 10 of my readers]
sorry for the inconvenience,
but please do take a moment to do so.

i love you all.
enjoy my new site.
it's just a start.
expect changes in the future!

an open book

i’ve recently started a new venture in my life, that just a few of my loved ones know about. [just a few]. it’s an adventure, without a doubt, and it’s frightening and emotional, and life-changing, and all of those difficult things that i know will pay off in the end.

the scariest part about it though, is being so open with these people. i fear that someone will spill the beans, or innocently share with someone else, or write something embarrassing on my facebook wall [yes, i fear this]. i have no control over that and it’s a challenge that i face often because i am committed to living my life as an open book.

but that’s the thing about being vulnerable to people. it means you hand over control to them. you are no longer running the show alone–these people become very much a part of it. and it can be difficult because you can only trust people to an extent, but it’s such a good thing because they are then allowed to take part in the adventure with you. that includes the sorrow and the joy.

i’m convinced this is how God intended it.

old habits

i have this really bad habit.
i like to stay out very late on the weekends
[makes me feel like i'm an adult i think,
and somehow reassures the fact that
i own my time...or something like that].
and on my way home i stop at whataburger.
yes, whataburger.

this fine establishment starts serving breakfast
at 11 pm.
[i like the breakfast taquito with a coke.]
and i find myself craving this meal around midnight.
that's how bad this habit is.

this is not a good thing.
but somehow, i'm ok with it.
i claim it as just another one of my weird things.

new topic: how many "weird things" is one person allowed to have?

growing.

i need to be a better person.
so,
i'm going to work on that.

love

i have a new love for valentines day.
i don't like it when people complain
about valentines being all about consumerism,
fake romance, waste of money, single-awareness day,
blah blah blah.
i don't ever want to be that person.

so this year,
i spent valentines day with people i love.
and it was so wonderful.
the best valentines i've ever had.
and now i look back to those times
when i've actually had a valentine.
they were so empty compared to this one.

i realized that
changing the meaning of valentines day
starts with me [one person].
consciously choosing to be with people that i truly love
and make sure they know that i love them.

so instead of complaining about the day,
i celebrated valentines.
and it was lovely.

black, white, and grey

i've always been a very honest person.
straightforward.
blunt, if you will.

i have always seen life as very black and white.
this is right, and this is wrong.
i situation comes up,
i instantly know what category it goes in.
i make a decision, and there is no turning back.

but things changed for me.
in the last year and a half,
there has been very much a grey area in my life.
this isn't wrong, but it isn't necessarily right.
or i knew at one time this was wrong,
but it's not really wrong to me anymore...

i've recently had a situation that was neither black or white.
it knew it was the right thing to do,
but it was so wrong at the same time.

maybe i'm just growing up.

resonation

hello.
it's been a while.
i've been busy being the butterfly.
and then i got sick.
i'm working on kicking it to the curb.

something i've been thinking on:
there are very few people in life
that you know will be your friend forever.
they understand you.
they love you.
the things they say resonate with your heart
and you just know that they are an extension of you.
it's a rare thing,
and when you find it, it is comforting.
in my life,
my brothers have been that.
they might not always understand me,
but they love me.
and they say things that resonate within my heart.

especially my brother daniel.
who has recently made a smashing entrance into the blog world.
[for a second time!]
daniel and i are very similar.
we love deeply.
we think constantly.
and we both love to write.
and daniel is so talented at it.
he writes his life. and it is wonderful.

so, please, all of my [7] readers... here's daniel.

the loner vs. the butterfly

one side of me tends to be a loner.
quite often, actually.
this is unusual for me.
[if you've known me for more than
five minutes,
you know that i am drawn to people]

while that is very much true,
there is still a side of me that aches
if i don't get my alone time.

my current situation in life
does not allow for much time to myself.
and i have experienced the consequences.
yet i have this internal struggle
because i truly love people.
i love their stories and their voices
and the light that they bring.

i will have to settle for the time being
with the thought that i am split in two.

the loner vs. the butterfly

2K9

well, it is 2009.
and i am glad.

2008 started off with a case of mono,
followed by a series of events
that were difficult,
heartbreaking,
and wearing on my soul.

regardless of these things,
last year ended in many blessings.
for which i am thankful.
and 2009 will continue on the same route.

it will be the best year of my life!

2009 is already starting off better.
i don't have mono today!
instead i am healthy,
and my family is here,
and my brother weds in 2 days,
and i just creamed my uncles in texas hold em.

here's to living and loving in 2009!

the minivan

today i was reminded of the first time i drove a car alone.
my mom let me take the minivan to blockbuster.
man, i was so ready.
and i thought i was too cool.
i remember the fact that i didn't care that i was driving
a minivan.
i didn't care...i was driving...alone!
i was slightly scared,
but my excitement overpowered that.
and i did it.
i drove that movie back to blockbuster
and i drove all the way home.
and i even parked the van in the garage.
talk about an accomplishment!

i wonder,
why can't every stage in life be that easy?
where my terror is overcome by joy and excitement.
my fears washed out by anticipation of something good.

when i think about it,
my dreams do overcome my fear and doubt for the most part.
it's when i get to the edge of the diving board,
that i get scared.

and wish i felt like i did when i turned the ignition to the minivan.

christmas via me

what i got for christmas:

+ a wii [family present which we played practically all day]
+ little espresso cups from world market [adorable]
+ a pair of toms shoes [shout out: daniel]
+ a random board game [amusement to be determined]
+ the outliers by malcolm gladwell [holla!]
+ some christmas socks [thanks mom!]
+ some christmas pj's that are going back [sorry mom]
+ a lot of money [booyah]

said money will be put to good use.
[to be revealed at a later time]

during scripture-reading,
and present-opening,
and feast-having,
and movie-seeing,
and wii-playing,
during all of these things,
i thought of the many blessings in my life.

twas a lovely christmas indeed.

festivus

today is festivus!

if you don't know what festivus is,
watch more seinfeld.

also, today is christmas eve eve.
said goodbye to the office
and i am officially home for christmas.
almost everyone is here.
had chili for dinner [so good]
many gifts under the tree.

life is good.

it's a festivus for the rest of us!!!

my tv show

i'm convinced that my life
would make an awesome reality tv show.

characters on the show:
monica | hilarious, yet pensive girl who does weird things.
stephanie | lover of hip hop, hater of nothing.
jesse | may be mental, still awaiting test results
julie | sister-to-be and always up for shopping
+ at least 20 other riveting characters that
i am too lazy to list right now.
[i didn't realize how long the list would be
when i started typing this blog
and this did not appear to be the direction i was going.
oh well.]

anyway,
the camera crew would follow me around everywhere
[and stephanie would probably get her own crew
because she is such a entertaining character]
and it would mostly be me laughing,
driving around,
looking at christmas lights,
meeting friends for dinner,
and hanging with jesse, watching top chef.

and the camera would catch all of the bizarre things
that i experience on a daily basis.

i'm convinced this would make a great show.

experiment

i held a little experiment this evening.
and the results were quite interesting.
of course,
i shall not speak of them here.
but rather, in another place.
that you will see soon.

in other news,
the relient k christmas album
is surprisingly good.
quite unexpected.

and in even other news,
the holidays seem to be jaaaaam-packed.
plus a wedding.

i am so tired this week.

coffee-water

saturday.
i grabbed my keys and headed to the bucks
[my first time in quite some time there]
honestly, just needed to get out of the house
because the cleaning lady was there
and i felt guilty for just sitting on my rear
drinking my mom's coffee-water
[she makes the weakest coffee possible.
so much so, that i call it coffee-water.]
while the cleaning lady works diligently
scrubbing my dirty bathroom that i,
apparently, cannot clean myself.

with no plans until five that evening,
i grabbed my keys and headed out the door,
wondering to myself what i would do with the day.
i had a few errands to run,
but they would certainly not take up the 7 hours
that i had to spare.
pulled up to starbucks and standing in line,
my sister-to-be sends me a message via text
to join her for lunch.
couldn't be more perfect timing.
i knew lunch would somehow turn into shopping
[and it did]
and then i could run my few errands,
grab a quick shower,
and scoot off to the bachelorette party
of all bachelorette parties.

all of this running through my brain
while my current obsession,
school of seven bells,
is singing in my radio.
the weather is perfect--sunny and cold.
i've got the whole day ahead of me.
life is good.
Lovers in Japan pops up
and i hit the open road.
i've talked about this before,
but when this happened,
i was so completely content with my life.
it was a good day.

life has brought me many smiles lately.

the victorian woman

thrown into the competition,
but not wanting to compete.
an image of victorian women continually popping
into my mind.
large bustles, tightly curled hair, and umbrellas with lace.
not caring the least bit for anything
but that.

foolishness appeared.

my anticipated ugliest
was rather the most lovely.
expectations violently switched.

however, perceptions changed.

the dreamer

i haven't been writing here very much lately...
don't worry, i'm not on a writing hiatus or anything.
actually, probably the opposite.
i find myself writing more than ever.
just in different places.
and about different things.

however,
when it is truly me,
i find myself always going back to the condition
of the human heart.
how we work.
how we are wired.
what makes us go.
why we do what we do.
my mind is always thinking of those things.

sleep is the only time i am away from my thoughts.
and even then, dreams occupy.
i want to be _____ and _______ and _____.
and it's because i'm like _____ and i do _____ and
i'm good at _______.


thank goodness for dreams.

monday morning bits

hello all,

it's monday morning.
i'm sick.
thanksgiving is in t-minus 3 days. [praise]
thought i'd give some monday morning bits:

just heard about this band. downloaded album immediately.
our video now has over 96,000 views.
[rumors of an ice cream social at 100k are about.]
i find myself quoting this video uncontrollably.
i gotta say, my boss knows his stuff.
seth godin perfectly describes what i've been experiencing
all too much lately.
how convenient: thanksgiving.com
a clean conscious makes a soft pillow.

that is all.
i've run out of kleenex at my desk.
DISASTER!

a chair in the sky

this is so perfect:

levels

sometimes in life, i feel overwhelmed.

i often think of life as levels, like in a video game,
or a card game of some sort.
and you conquer one level,
then move on to the next,
conquer that one, move on, etc.
and the levels are like building blocks.
they build upon each other.

i'll have these moments every now and then,
where i find myself trying to be on level 15,
but then i remember i haven't even conquered
level 3...
and i feel somewhat discouraged.
i think "how will i ever get to level 15?"
and then i feel like i'm going back to the drawing board.

trying to be content with level 3...