the golden age

last night i drove. and then i came back and sat in my car in front of my apartment for probably thirty minutes. i put in beck's album sea change, which is so nostalgic for me. it reminds me of four years ago exactly. finishing up high school, thinking i had the entire world before me. take that feeling and mutiply it by a million and that is how i currently feel. it is absolutely wonderful!

[now most people know i love beck dearly. he's one of my favorite artists. but hardly anyone knows that sea change is my favorite album of his. you probably wouldn't expect it because it's so different from all of his other projects. that's the thing about beck, he reinvents himself every album and comes up with something completely different, but there is still a common thread in all of them. sea change, though, is so radically different that it has become my favorite.]

summer 2003. all of those memories are brought back when i listen to that album. wasting money, going to shows, and spending practically every day at the dairy queen. isn't it funny how certain albums remind us of different periods in our lives? it's like the music defines it. badly drawn boy always reminds me of winter 2004, which was a very good winter indeed. the stills always remind me of summer 2004, and ryan adams always reminds me of the entire year of 2005. i really like it when that happens. and i really like remembering those times.

sea of blue

last week i was sitting in the starbucks on carrier, which i have come to believe is another campus for dbu (but thats another topic for another day). all i brought with me was my ipod, my book (for class, of course), and my pen. i read and i read and i read, but the entire time my underlying thought was "i cant wait until i can go to starbucks and read for me." not that my reading assignments are not good, but i really cannot wait until i can read what i want to read. until i can spend an evening sitting at starbucks, reading and drinking my mocha, and probably listening to something like mum, or south san gabriel, or something. i've had a list going for a while of books i'm going to read when i graduate and i want everyone to add to that list. so please, tell me things to read. i like russian literature, so there's a clue.

but, how many people actually do that? how many people take the time to do something they enjoy for that matter? i absolutely love reading (and in reading, bettering myself and gaining wisdom) and i plan on doing so as much as possible when i actually have free time to do it. this will be occurring in just a few short weeks.

on another note, the bluebonnets are blooming and they are just beautiful! if you've ever been out to dbu in the spring, then you've seen the bluebonnets on 408. some days you can drive by and see twenty cars parked on the side of the road and lots of little families taking pictures. it's like a sea of blue. i love it!

oh dietrich...

ok, another dietrich bonhoeffer excerpt. sorry, it's just what i'm reading right now and it's so good!

"The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to his Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. [...] He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words."

i have a serious problem with this. i dont think it's to the point of meaningless chatter arrayed in pious words, because i believe i'm genuine. but sometimes i just cant shut my mouth. i feel this need to fix things, to take on the burden as my own instead of handing it over to God.

"Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking."

it makes perfect sense. because we live in a fallen world, we're constantly seeking to gratify ourselves. someone comes to us with a problem (really just needing for us to listen as they talk) and we think that we have to solve it. we wont feel good about ourselves, we wont feel satisfied unless we solve the problem, or atleast guide this person along. we feel unaccomplished if all we did was listen to them. it's such a selfish thing and i see myself doing it on a regular basis. sometimes i just need to listen, and be there. there are so many times when i've felt like i just wanted someone to listen, and they tried to solve the problem only making me more upset. sometimes i feel like "giving advice" (which is probably not at all close to what i'm doing) is the only thing i have to offer. just listening is a reminder that i'm not perfect and i dont have the answer, which is an even harder reality to understand. i forget that listening is one of the greatest services i can give. even if it means i wont feel good about myself afterwards. i fear that my meaningless chatter with a person will soon become my meaningless chatter with God. i dont want to be one of those people who drops "pious" words left and right. you can see right through them and you can see their selfishness and insecurity. i choose to listen more. in choosing to listen more, i'm choosing to be more like Christ, which is the original goal, right?

getting older

last night at the grocery store i was standing in line waiting and after reading all of the ridiculous tabloids about brittney spears and justin timberlake and how did star jones get so thin... i turned towards the candy. i would be lying if i didnt say that i was completely tempted to buy some bubble tape. does anyone remember that?? bubble tape was seriously the best gum in the world when i was approximately nine. i remember many a road trip of taking money from what me and my brothers called the "homie fund" and buying a minimum of three packages of bubble tape. all to be chewed by the time we reached ohio.

i've been thinking alot lately about getting older. i'm only 21, which may seem very old to some people and may seem very young to others, i go back and forth on the idea. lately though, i've felt like it was somewhat young. i feel like i should be atleast 23, right? well thats another idea for another day. the point is, as i'm preparing for this new stage in my life, i'm really excited about growing up. i'm actually looking forward to it! can you believe that? i, monica hopkins, am looking forward to growing up. that doesn't mean i have to become serious all the time and boring. i can still be fun and have fun. but, i'm looking forward to a different responsibility. a change in my life. i'm looking forward to being relieved of schoolwork and taking on the responsibility of paying my bills (and on time of course). it's not just those things that i'm looking forward to though. i'm excited about getting older. i feel like i'm just getting ready to take off and all of these experiences that i'm going to have are just before me. it's a rather encouraging and exciting thought, and i cant wait to see what God has in store for me. to use the words of death cab for cutie: "i can't wait to go grey"

verb-alicious?

charlotte perkins gilman once said "life is a verb."

i came across this quote as i was working on a research paper over charlotte perkins gilman's literature. obviously since i was working on the paper, i was discouraged and angry with school. (normal for someone in their last semester of college, i think) i mean, who likes working on papers? yes, i do get really excited when i know i've written a good paper, but that doesnt mean i enjoy the process.

anyway, i was so uplifted by this quote. for this author, life was more of a twisted psychological thriller. which i guess could be considered a verb for her, but whatever floats your boat CPG! i was reading about her life, and i saw that quote from her. i immediately perked up when i read that. life is a verb! yes, sitting is a verb, and crying is a verb, but so is jumping and laughing and loving. i think she must have meant that in a positive light. even if she didnt, i'm choosing to take it that way. i hope i choose the right verbs in my life. the good ones.

i wish i had made that my senior quote in high school. instead of "all you need is love". i'm shaking my head in regret...

time

this could possibly be the slowest week of my entire life.
spring break feels like it is approximately three years away.
today feels like friday when in all actuality, it is thursday.
and i am seriously disappointed that it's not friday.

however, dietrich bonhoeffer has encouraged me today:

"Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts he has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. [...] How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ."

so, today i am thanking God for breath, for life, for spiritual revelation, for my cinnamon toast crunch breakfast, for the clothes i have on, for the bed i slept in, for the gift of relationship with him through Jesus Christ, and for the people i have with me on my journey in life- my family, my friends, the people i met yesterday, and the people i will meet today and tomorrow.

monica.

one half

i dont really understand the concept
of a midterm and a final.
i completely understand the concept
of testing.
but there needs to be more than two tests...
one entire half of a semester
yields a large amount of information.

i have a midterm tomorrow in a poetry class.
i dont really like poetry, but i like this professor
so i was like "okay whatev, i'll take the class"
knowing that i'd be graduating in a few months.
little did i know that it would be extremely difficult.
tomorrow is the test over the first half
which has practically been two months.
two months of information...
on poetry...

and i continue to procrastinate as i write this blog...
my senioritis is completely out of control.

mon

one drop

i have a hilarious professor whom i love dearly.
she truly makes me laugh every single class.

the other day in class we were talking about the harlem renaissance
and the number of authors who spawned from this period.
obviously, all were african american.
however, someone started talking about authors of mixed heritage.
(keep in mind my professor is an african american herself)
this was my instructor's response:
"it doesnt take much to be black. one drop'll do ya."


yes, one drop'll do ya apparently...